Sands of Death Note
by Tori-Colour-Bastia
Summary: Kyrie is arrested by L under suspicion of being Kira. Morte follows in suit by meeting a certain redheaded, Beiber-haired serial killer. Epic crackfic of epicness. First two chapters not that funny. No specific pairings. T cos I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1: Shattered Peace

Chapter 1: Shattered Peace

_**How this idea came up-**_

_**Friend (who does not wish to be named): What if Light was Canadian. That would be so cool! Kira, eh?**_

_**Me: First off, Canadians pwn. Justin Beiber **__**and**__** my super awesome cousins are from Canada and **__**don't**__** have those accents. Secondly, that sounded A TON like Kyrie.**_

_**Friend: Who's Kyrie?**_

_**Me: You're not a very big Sands of Destruction fan are you?**_

_**Friend: What's Sands of Destruction?**_

_**Please note: The first two chapters will not be very funny. I'm one of those people who needs a good setup to be funny.**_

Kyrie, Morte, and Taupy were in Viteau City. The sounds of running water filled the air. The aquamarine pools rippled in the sun. A peaceful sight for a world on the brink of destruction thanks to Kyrie's "special" gift.

A bang shattered the peace. Kyrie gasped. Morte held her blade at the ready. Taupy prepared to fight.

On the street near the plaza stood a strange assortment of men. Their clothes were different from the uniforms one would expect, and they seemed a bit proud for humans. They all had black hair. The man who stuck out the most had wild black hair. His eyes were mostly dilated pupils, but the small slivers of iris were cool grey and his entire eye rimmed black. He wore simple clothes, strange in this world.

The man looked up.

"Kyrie Illunis, you are under arrest for suspicion of being Kira," he said in monotone.

"Wha-" Kyrie said before being cut off by the man.

"Matsuda please put Kyrie in restrains." **_(I tend to notice that L has Matsuda do EVERYTHING)_**

The youngest man in the group, presumably named Matsuda, put strange metal bracelettes bound with a chain around Kyrie's wrists.

What was this about? These humans were acting like Ferrals!

"No! Stop it!" Morte yelled. "Kyrie wouldn't hurt a fly! Let him go!"

"You don't know how many people he could have killed. Don't worry, we won't kill him, just place him under twenty-four hour surveillance to see if the killings stop."

"But I _know_ Kyrie, the worst thing he's ever done was turn an entire village to sand, and _that_ was unintentional."

"Hey, I'm still here you know!" Kyrie called.

"Yes, but you're not important," Morte responded.

"He turned an entire village to sand… Sounds like something Kira could do." He muttered. "Matsuda, he is coming with us. Aizawa, please open the portal again by pushing the red button on your remote. It should take us home."

Aizawa nodded. "Okay, L."

"Goodbye Taupy, I'm going to rescue Kyrie." Morte called to her bear-like compadre.

Aizawa pressed the button. The portal opened. As it started to shrink, Morte hopped through it before it became too small to fit both her body and her sword through.


	2. Chapter 2: Light Yagami

Chapter 2: Light Yagami

_**I don't own Sands of Destruction or Death Note. They are properties of Sega and Viz Media respectively. Have fun!**_

_**This is another un-funny chapter. Matt **__**is**__** a major character in this, but not yet. Not until chapter 3, which is a funny one, I promise. Sorry you had to wait for the comedy kicks in.**_

Morte landed hard on her hands and knees. Her sword was strapped to her back and wrapped in strips of fabric as not to harm the innocent. Her green eyes looked up to see a boy writing in a little black notebook.

His hair was red, much like her own, and his eyes were a soulful caramel color. They left the white pages of the book and stared in her direction.

"Who are you?" the boy asked.

Morte dusted off her scarlet robes. "My name is Morte Asherah. I am a member of the World Annihilation Front."

"I'm Light. What are you doing here? This is no place for cosplayers. I'm trying to study!"

Morte bit back words of anger, but due to her short temper, they just came flooding out.

"My friend Kyrie was brought to your world under suspicion of being something called a 'Kira.' I'm not sure what it is, but must have something to do with murder. See, Kyrie has a… 'gift' that will, somehow, destroy our world… Apparently, that makes him a 'Kira,' but I know the kid. Barni was an accident. He had no idea how he did it!"

"You lost me at 'destroy our world.' I don't care about Kyrie, I don't care about your stupid cosplay friend, just please leave." Light said simply.

"Before I leave, I want you to explain to me what a 'Kira' is."

Light through his head back and moaned. "Where have you been for the last _year_? If you don't know, it's Kira, not _a_ Kira. Kira is the name of a person. This person somehow supernaturally kills humans. Rather than use his power for his own selfish purposes, he cleanses the world of evil by killing those with cruel hearts."

"Sounds like a good thing. Human lives aren't worth that much. Why was Kyrie imprisoned for being Kira if all he's doing is killing humans? This world is so strange. Humans are their own masters. Sounds like the kind of world I want."

"What do mean by 'their own masters'?" Light asked, his curiosity officially peaked by this strange girl.

"Yes, in my world mankind has been enslaved by half human half animal creatures called 'Ferrals.' Humans are treated like animals. Our lives are no more important that of an ant. It's too bad Kira's power can only be used on humans. Some like Kira in our world might make things easier. This is irrelevant. You seem to know things. Where is Kyrie? What will happen too him? Who is this L character who took him?"

Light took a breath. "Kyrie is most likely in the same jail cell I myself was put in when I was under suspicion of being Kira. I'm a welcome face over at the headquarters and I'm part of the task force. If he's as innocent as you say he is, he should get out fine. If he's not Kira, the killings will continue and L will be forced to let him free. L is the world's greatest detective. He's a strange guy, his methods are unorthodox, he eats 80% more sugar than the ordinary person, and hardly ever sleeps. He can be cruel at times, but his sense of justice won't let him harm the innocent. Kyrie should be fine. If he's innocent, that is. L is mercelous when it comes to serving justice."

Morte sat back on his bed. "You said you were friendly with L. I'm not going to leave your room until he releases Kyrie and we get back to destroying the world." **_(That's what she said. You know, if she was Morte. [Wow, that was really lame])_**

Light hid a smile. He liked this girl. She drove a hard bargain, but reminded him of himself. He got back to his notebook.


	3. Chapter 3: Kyrie is Kira?

Chapter 3: Kyrie is Kira?

_**This is where things get VERY crack-ish. Sorry the first two chapters were NOT funny, I needed a good setup. Here's where the comedy genre kicks in. Sorry to keep you folks waiting.**_

"Matsuda!" L called as soon as the group of men were back home. "Stop staring into space and incarcerate Kyrie Illinus."

Matsuda blinked suddenly as if coming out of a trance. "Sorry, L."

The younger man did as he was told. L sat in his chair in front of the monitor. The rest of the investigation team stood behind him, looking at Kyrie through the monitor.

Kyrie's innocent, wide, icy blue eyes stared into the camera. "Wha-why am I even here? L-let me out! I-I never did any thing!" Kyrie stammered.

L leaned into the microphone. "Kyrie, we both know that's a lie. I mean seriously, Kyrie, Kira, they sound so alike."

"O-other than that, what do you have on me? Barni was an accident! I didn't mean to kill anyone!"

Matsuda grabbed the microphone. "If you killed Barney the purple dinosaur, all can say is thank you. You did a good thing Kyrie!"

"Wait, what?" Kyrie asked.

"Matsuda, stop being stupid! Oh, wait; you can't really help who you are. Anywho, Kyrie, I have a story to tell you about how I found you were Kira. So, I was checking my email one day and my computer started a video chat. Of course my privacy shade is always down, so all the hacker saw was the L I use to represent myself. I recognized the voice on the other end as Matt, the greatest hacker at Wammy's House. I'd go into more detail, but I don't want you to kill him. Like I was saying he told me about you turned a whole village into sand and I was like 'Oh my god this kid is Kira.' So with what Matt told me, what that that girl you were with told me, and what I know, you are Kira. That, and I ran out of suspects," L explained.

"B-but, I don't even what a Kira is!"

"It's you."

"Yah, could you go into, uh, a little more detail."

"You are Kira. Kira is you. Kira kills people. End of story."

"B-but all your information is from one source. Which is some random hacker dude."

"I just so happen to trust this 'hacker dude.'" L made air quotes.

"As much as you trust him, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ON ME!"

"As soon as the killings stop, I will."


	4. Chapter 4: Hacked!

Chapter 4: Hacked

_**I love writing chapters like this. It's fun to make fun of security software! I wrote this after drinking a large Frappe, so I was NOT mentally sound.**_

Morte looked over Light's shoulder.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Checking my email," he responded simply.

"What?"

"Okay, you know how I explained to you what a 'computer' was?"

The otherworldly girl nodded.

"Well, did they have mail in your world?"

Morte nodded. "But it was only for the ferrals."

"This is mail on my computer. Using the internet, which is the metaphorical spider web that connects every computer in the world, I can send mail instantly to somewhere far away like, I don't know… America? and it will arrive instantly."

"Oh cool!"

The screen blinked twice and Light's email was replaced by a brown-haired green-eyed boy wearing weird goggles and a cool vest.

Morte dove behind Light.

"What did it do?" Morte asked, surprised.

"Hey Light! It's me, Matt. I hacked into your computer. MacAffee was _not_ the best choice of security software. The codes are easy to crack. L's was _way_ harder. He has Norton and three other backup systems. Took me a whole night, but he some pretty neat stuff on there. Some of it's pretty weird though. Did you know he was into Linkin Park? I didn't." He took a cigarette out of his vest pocket. "Anyways, you look great. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR HAIR! Oh, hi Morte. You know I'm a huge fan of yours, right?"

"Just a sec, Matt. I need to explain the concept of video chat Morte here," Light said, holding up his index finger. He turned to the other redhead. "So, basically, right now, Matt is sitting at his computer in England sending me a live video feed so he can talk to me. Normally I wouldn't chat with him voluntarily-"

"You're mic's on you know," Matt pointed out.

Light glared at him. "-BUT, Matt is really good with computers-"

"And if that is a lie, Kira strike me dead."

"Oh I'm tempted too."

"What?"

"Nothing!" Light turned back to Morte, "-so he was able to force us into a Skype call."

"Actually, this is Google Video Chat," Matt corrected.

"That doesn't matter. All that counts is we're video chatting with him now. He can both see and hear us currently." Light looked back at Matt. "Wait a second, how do you know Morte?"

"She's the heroine from Sega's Sands of Destruction. I am a huge fan I really am. You and Naja make a great couple. Just the whole contrasting character thing is very picturesque," Matt said, after taking a long drag from his cigarette. "Definitely my favorite fan couple."

"For the record, Matt is what we call a 'gamer,'" Light made air quotes, "What that means is he takes joy in wasting his life playing video games."

"You want me to end this video chat? I can crash the whole Google server, so don't aggravate me!"

"MATT!" an angry voice screamed from off screen, "I know you stole all my chocolate!"

A blonde boy Matt's age with long hair and icy blue eyes came into the camera's viewpoint.

"By the way, Morte, this is my roommate Mello. Mello, this is Morte and you know Light," Matt explained.

Morte squinted, looking at Mello quizzically. "Is that a boy or a very deep-voiced girl?"

"You know he can hear you." Light whispered to Morte.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME THAT!" Mello freaked out.

"I think it's the hair Mells," Matt commented.

"Boys can be blonde too, you know."

"I think he's hinting that you should cut it." Light put in.

"GUYS!" a slightly more feminine voice screamed.

A white-haired, grey-eyed pale boy entered the viewpoint.

"It is one in the morning and I cannot sleep. Stop yelling! It's bad enough I have to put up with your chocolate addiction," he pointed to Matt, "and your smoking," his finger moved onto Mello, "but now I have to put up with you arguing at the all hours of the night."

"Since they live in England, their time is different from now. Their three hours ahead. Since it's 10:00 PM here, it's 1:00 AM there," Light explained quietly to Morte.

"Uh, actually I like chocolate and he smokes…" Mello pointed out.

"I DON'T CARE JUST LET ME SLEEP!"

"Wait, Near, you actually sleep?" Matt asked, obviously confused.

"Of course I sleep! I _am_ only human after all."

"Well, L never sleeps, so we just thought…"

"WELL YOU WERE WRONG!"

Near stormed out of their dorm.

"Wow, mood swing," Light put in.

"I think puberty finally kicked in," Mello joked, smiling.

"Seeing as we have pissed off our neighbor, the emotionless sheep more commonly known as Near, it's time for us to sign off. Wave bye Mellsy!"

"What did I say about you calling me-"

Before Mello could finish his sentence, the video chat was cut off.

"That's among one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me," Morte commented.

"Better get used to it. I'd be surprised if we got through one week without Matt hacking my computer and forcing me into a video chat. But they're always fun to watch."

**_So that's it. If you are reading this (I don't care whether you are enjoying it or not), I really want you to review! It'll make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside._**


	5. Chapter 5: Friends

Chapter 5: Friends

_**Okay, so this is another really random, snarky chapter.**_

"Bye Morte, I'm going to work now. I'll talk to L about Kyrie being innocent," Light called over his shoulder as he exited his room.

"But it's 2:00 AM," Morte said, half asleep.

"I never said it was my day job."

Back at the headquarters, L was staring at Kyrie. _**(Sorry to interrupt the flow of the story, but that sounded **__**wrong**__**.)**_

"I-I'm telling you. I'm not Kira! Watch the killings continue even though I'm locked up!"

Suddenly, Aizawa came rushing in.

"L, turn on the TV to channel 333!" He said.

"Is there something on about Kira!" L asked.

"No, Friends is on!" The older man said as any normal person would have said "Yes, Sakura TV says the killings have hit a standstill!"

"Oh my god, which episode!" L asked, his eyes wide.

"It's the one where Monica and Chandler get engaged! Turn it on! We'll miss it!"

L grabbed the microphone. "Kyrie, don't say anything important, we're watching Friends and can't pay attention to you as we do so."

"What?" Kyrie asked, before getting cut off by Monica screaming "I'm engaged!" to the New York City streets below.

"I decided to use the monitor because Kyrie's voice was giving me a headache," L said in monotone.

Aizawa nodded.

Light opened the door.

"Hey L! I'm he- Oh my god is that Friends!" Light sat beside L. "Oh hey Aizawa what are you doing up at this hour?"

The older man shrugged. "I had coffee."

Matsuda snapped awake from in his chair. "Why aren't I home?"

"Oh Matsuda! You were asleep? I just you realized how stupid you sounded and just stop talking. I guess that was just wishful thinking then," L snarked.

"L, sometimes I just want to hold you by your scrawny little neck and throttle you vigorously while screaming 'WHY ARE SO MEAN!'" Light said simply.

"And the fangirls think you're a couple," Aizawa retorted, shaking his head.

"Mogi, any comments-no guess not," L said.

As soon as Friends was over, Light went to talk to L.

"L, there's something I want to confess to you."

"What is it Light? Are we going out again tonight?" L asked.

"What no! Kyrie isn't Kira. I am."

L did a spit take using his coffee. "What? Why would you confess this to me now? After I've gone to the trouble of figuring out how to travel in between worlds just to find this one suspect so that I can incarcerate him, why NOW do you confess to me? Now of all times when I finally though I was on to something. And why are you confessing? Are you a Kyrie fanboy or something? Trying to spare his life by taking the blame?"

"No, L. See, I met this girl, Morte. She's one of Kyrie's friends and… I promised her I'd help Kyrie get free. No matter what."

L did a spit take again.

"What was that one about?"

"I'm pretty sure this coffee is hazelnut when I ordered French vanilla. But I can't tell because of all the sugar I put in and every time I take a sip, I regret it because I hate hazelnut."

"So, neither of those spit takes had to do with me being Kira?"

"No, the first one did.."

"We'll arrange the plans for your death sentence. MATSUDA! Please let Kyrie free."

_**That was way more crack-y than I originally intended. Oh well, yah win some, yah loose some.**_


	6. Chapter 6: Morte and Matt to the Rescue!

Chapter 6: Morte and Matt to the Rescue

Matt sat at his laptop, playing the online RPG Maplestory. His email blinked. It was from Light!

From: .com

To:

I'm going to tell L I'm Kira to get Kyrie free. Please help Morte break me out of prison. That pointy sword of hers should come in handy.

Please help!

-Light

Matt turned around.

"Mells! I'm going to Japan!" He called.

"Hurry back. And bring Pocky!"

Matt took his clothes, his lighter, and his cigarettes and left.

After the world's quickest plane ride _**(whoever said this fic had to make sense?)**_, Matt arrived at the Yagami's. Sachiko Yagami answered the door.

She turned behind her.

"SAYU! Your date is here!"

"Um, no, Mrs. Yagami, I'm here to get something for Light. I'm not Sayu's boyfriend. I'm Light's boyfriend, either, but, um, he texted me saying he, uh, needed something in prison, so, um, I'm just going to run up and get it, if that's okay."

"Oh, sure."

Sayu stood in the doorway. "Um mom, that's not my date."

Matt pushed Light's mom and sister aside and rushed up to his room.

"Morte!" he called. "I'm here!"

The redhead looked up from Light's notebook.

"Hey, look at this notebook."

Morte passed the notebook to Matt.

The cigarette almost fell out of his mouth.

"It's filled with names and causes of death."

"Now skip to the front."

"This must be how Kira kills. Light is Kira! Oh my god! We could use this to prove him innocent!"

"But, aren't you a little a little worried about having to kill someone?"

"No, I've killed someone before, it's not that bad."

Morte shrugged. "Yah, I've cut down a couple ferrals in my day."

"That's the Morte I know and love! Now, let's get to work."


End file.
